The Journey To Find the Self

“If you want to be full, let yourself become empty, if you want to be reborn, let yourself die." - Lao Tzu

An endless problem that humanity has found itself in, alongside famine and war and the rest of the four horsemen, has been an internal problem. To find out who we are is something that has been plaguing ancient Buddhists long before people tried to find themselves on Pinterest boards and dating apps. It’s a difficult problem, one that when solved offers a sense of clarity and peace that is hard to come by.

Now, I am not here to say that I have conquered this long standing quest, defeated the dragon of self-doubt and laid waste to all negative thoughts about oneself. I kind of wish I did.

But there are interesting insights I have found that I think are important to communicate.

The first step towards what Abraham Maslow identified as the most important need, self-actualization, is what I would call simply ‘self-awareness.’ The ability of oneself to know oneself.

Now, this self-awareness that people often tout as a virtue is not the type of self-awareness I’m speaking of. When people say they are self-aware, they are quick to say they know their flaws, their strengths, why they are the way that they are etc…

What I would consider self-awareness would be something the ancient Buddhists had considered. And as a way of reaching this awareness, they came up with this exercise. Let’s perform a demonstration right now!

Who Are You?

Master: Who are you?

Monk: My name is Gautama.

Master: My name is also Gautama, who are you?

Monk: I am left-handed.

Master: I am also left-handed, who are you?

Monk: I have been a monk for 27 years.

Master: I have also been a monk for 27 years, who are you?

Monk: I am very confused.

Master: I am very confused, who are you?

What this, admittedly baffling exercise, is meant to demonstrate is a simple concept of what ‘You’ is. It’s a simple concept in that it is something that has been there and always there since you were born but it’s almost impossible to communicate through language. Once you strip away all the attachments that you have, what is left? This is what I would define as true self-awareness.

There is clearly something there, something that separates the master and monk. It’s not names, it’s not careers, it’s not age, it is an incommunicable aspect that has been there since you were born. But all through your life, things have been willingly and unwillingly attached to you and once you strip away all of those hooked barbs, you are able to find that little core that resides in you - a core that radiates out light, a core that is able to pursue what it wants without guilt or shame.

The disdain in a person’s face when you err as a child is something that carries itself through your entire life, an education that builds on itself forever. An education is truly not the right word for it, it’s an experiential fact like knowing the sky is blue. The person you’ve upset hates you and will hate you until the oceans dry up.

But the moment you unlearn this, the moment you realise that the sky’s cerulean crest is an illusion that exists only through our perspective, that its hue is only visible through our specific set of cones and rods is the moment you heal, the moment you heal and grow. The sky doesn’t seem bluer but it certainly looks brighter.

Strip it all away and who is left? It won’t be nothing. It will be something that you can finally meet, something that you can nurture, care for, give a hug to. All the pain is laid before you and you can wipe it away, choose what’s best for the little core residing in you.

That is the power of finding out who you really are.

You are able to flower into the person you have always been. This mode of questioning and self-inquiry will not solve all of your problems, but it will certainly put a distance between you and those problems. You will learn that those problems, while attached to you, are not you and thus can be tackled with a clarity that you did not have previously.

My view of the self has always been that of a little circle with lines jutting out. And once you remove those lines, you can finally view that circle for all it is.

A little core that radiates light. A sky that oneself can notice, look at, and comment,

“That’s beautiful.”